Issue four- You'll feel that jingle in your bells

Occupy Movement Spreads to Area Taco Bell, Maybe

Volume 8, Issue 4

Occupy Wall Street, an ongoing series of demonstrations protesting income inequality and corporate greed in America, may have a dedicated contingency in a St. Louis Taco Bell, according to shaky evidence. A group of WashU students have been there for going on four hours now, and have either begun a peaceful protest there or are just really baked. While the protesters have yet to release any official statements, local eyewitnesses report large amounts of activity within the area, especially between the hours of 12 and 4 am.

"Yeah, they've been here for a while now," said Taco Bell employee Chandra Weinstein. "Based on their modest clothing and non-violent sit-in techniques, it seems like they're staging a visual metaphor for the relative disenfranchisement of the middle class, protesting the undue influence of corporations in modern America. Although that one guy did just order twelve chilupas so they might just be high."

Thus far the demonstrators have not made their demands known with the exception of one of the students, who demanded his friend get him "a buttload of mayonnaise packets" when he gets back from the bathroom. It remains to be seen if his demand will be met.

The group plans to Occupy the Living Room Couch next, presumably an allusion to rising unemployment rates.

WashU Settles for Fourth Highest Tuition in Country After Being Unable to Think of Anything Else to Charge For

Volume 8, Issue 3

In what Washington University officials are calling "impressive, but ultimately disappointing", the school was ranked as the fourth most expensive in the country after its administrators failed to come up with anything else for which to charge students. According to provost Edward Macias, the university used a combination of creative fees and exorbitant pricing to achieve the $56,930 annual price tag, but was beaten out by Sarah Lawrence College by just under $1,500.

"We tried our best, but you just can't win 'em all," a visibly despondent Macias told reporters after Forbes.com released the rankings last month. "But let me be perfectly clear that this was not due to lack of trying. We wanted to charge a higher tuition, we really did. But good God, how the fuck could we have gotten away with charging over $56,930 for a year of fucking college? We're already charging a dollar fifty per meal point for Christ's sake!"

Among the added expenses this year that Macias was able to charge for was a large-scale university-funded study on the flammability of money, which he said should inflate tuition significantly through the 2015-2016 school year. Further hikes in the cost of the school will follow pending investigations into the legality of "oxygen taxes" on students, a program in which Macias has high hopes.

"We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here so we have to be a bit creative," he said. "Did you know that we're already charging for sending college transcripts? In other words, students have to pay to prove to employers that they took classes at WashU, for which they also paid. I mean come on! What more can I do?"

While some are content with fourth best nationally, administrators warn the community not to grow complacent, and they reiterate that they will not rest until no students in the world pay more to attend college than those at Washington University.

"I think 'pay' is even too soft of a word for what we're trying to accomplish here," Macias said. "Our ultimate goal is that when a WashU student gets mugged off campus, he/she actually feels good about it in comparison to tuition. 'Hey, $56 in cash and all my credit cards for not getting stabbed, that's a bargain compared to WashU.' I would love to hear that sentence uttered."

In the meantime however, students will have to remain content with the current tuition rate, although they are encouraged to donate an additional $1,500 to the university "just for shits and giggles." Checks can be made out to provost Macias's Swiss account, as that's where the yacht payments are coming from.