Adam Levine Backs Out of Super Bowl Halftime Performance, Rest of Maroon 5 Will Still Perform

Earlier this week, it was reported that Rihanna had been offered the opportunity to headline this year’s Super Bowl halftime show but turned it down in support of Colin Kaepernick. We can now confirm reports that America’s favorite sellout, Adam Levine, has followed suit— not in solidarity of Kaepernick but due to ego-related reasons after finding out he was the NFL’s second choice. Levine, who adorably sacrifices artistic integrity in favor of commercial success on a daily basis, is the frontrunner of Maroon 5, whose remaining members have for some reason decided to stay in the show.

“Don’t get me wrong, Adam is our boy, but a performance without him would mean a chance for the rest of us to finally be seen and heard,” said a Maroon 5 member whose name we don’t remember but who looks and acts like the human equivalent of a piece of cardboard. “We’re already working hard on a killer setlist for the fans filled with some soft guitar strums and not much else.”

Being that Super Bowl LIII will take place in Atlanta, many fans have wondered why the NFL forewent choosing one of the many diverse musicians that has ties to the ATL and instead chose Maroon 5— a band whiter than Mitt Romney eating a mayonnaise sandwich with the crusts cut off. But the group itself isn’t too worried:

“At the end of the day, it’s about the music,” remarked the member of a band whose music sounds like lukewarm bathwater.

Levine is also not too worried about the whole debacle. He has stated that with the extra free time, he plans to spend Super Bowl weekend showing up uninvited to strangers’ weddings while screaming, “I’M ADAM FUCKING LEVINE!”