WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
As the polar vortex struck the midwest, students struggled to find the perfect outerwear to combat the subzero temps. Just when all hope seemed lost, one species stepped in to save the day: the Canada goose.
“Yeah, I had to leave Karen and the kids early to go back north,” said Billy, head flyer for the Feather Boyz, Toronto’s premier flock. “My buddy promised me a job in St. Louis that would pay around $1k, and I have to provide for my family. We’re living paycheck to paycheck. Wait – I’ll see them again, right?”
While Canada geese typically migrate further south to places like Texas or northern Mexico from fall until summer, many hard-working geese were spotted heading back up north to accommodate wealthy WashU students, who otherwise would have frozen to death.
“Would I wear North Face? No. Do I look broke to you?” commented sophomore Sarah Miller, pushing back her hair to reveal her AirPods™. “Thank god for Canada Goose. And my dad’s AmEx black card.”
However, other students contend that their Canada Goose coats are less about the look and more about the experience.
“When I wear it, I just feel like I’m in Antarctica, and that’s so dope,” said Matthew Diesel, SAE pledge. “Like where are the penguins, am I right? Am I right?”
Unfortunately, the price for keeping these students warm and stylish for that single day when it was really cold was steep–for the geese. Hundreds of geese that were lured to St. Louis with the promise of work will never return to their families, leaving their feathered spouses and their little goose children to fend for themselves.
We hope it was worth it for you to stay warm for one fucking day, you privileged fucks.
