Crisis Averted: WashU Solves Diversity Problem With One Saliva Swab

Anyone who attends our lovely university here in St. Louis is privy to its lack of diversity. The school is almost 50 percent White according to collegefactual.com, more than the amount of Black, Asian, or Hispanic students combined. Or, in other words, the school has 28 acapella groups. The website ranked WashU below average in racial-ethnic diversity. I attempted to verify this information with the university’s demographic records, but the link didn’t work. The only possible deduction that can be made from this technological buffoonery is that WashU is ashamed of their ethnic homogeneity and is therefore hiding their demographic information! This proves my point, and no further investigation is required.

The school’s light-a-scented-candle-and-play-me-some-Mumford-and-Sons level of whiteness is especially overt when looking at the endless array of old white couples featured on paintings across every WashU building. Their pasty wrinkled faces permeate the halls with reminders of economic immobility and systemic oppression. However, recent developments could mark a change in the narrative surrounding WashU’s whiteness woes. A married couple–Stanley and Lucy–depicted in a mural in Lopata hall, recently took a 23andme DNA test, and the results were shocking. Against all odds, it was discovered that 4.6% of Stanley Lopata’s genetics were of African lineage, with Lucy not far behind at 3.1% East Asian. Dean David H. Perlmutter, who looks like Jeff Foxworthy and Teddy Roosevelt’s secret love child, called the news “a revelation” and was overheard stating the following with a sense of bombastic pride that only a turn-on-some-Seinfeld-and-call-me-fiscally-conser-vative type of fellow could muster: “Diversity crisis, no more! Woo, we sure dodged a bullet there.” Now, going forward, all sentiments regarding demographic uniformity at WashU are null and void. You thought there were real diversity issues at this school, and you thought wrong, baby!

Now, WashU is requiring that all students get DNA tests as “a celebration of the real and actual diversity that definitely exists here at WashU.” Anyone who has over a sixtieth of non-white ancestry will be given minority status by the university and advertised as such. The number comes from an ancient Jewish law stating that a non-kosher portion of food making up at least 1/60th of the batch deems the whole dish prohibitable to eat. WashU is using this law as a benchmark, of course, because 98.4% percent of the school is Jewish. With this new and improved system of racial classification, WashU projects to be one of the top 10,000 most diverse schools in the country. What an impressive achievement!

While I, as a reporter, usually try to remain as objective and fact-based as possible–a pure, glimmering vessel of truth, if you will–I find that, given my current platform, it is my obligation to offer my opinion on the recent developments presented above: I am both honored and thrilled to be a part of an institution that is so dedicated to diversity and representation within its student body. Dare I say, this is what the American Dream is all about. Is it not our very purpose as humans on this planet to co-exist amongst different backgrounds and creeds in a perpetual state of peace, harmony, and happiness? Plus, my school-sponsored DNA test indicated that
I have a genetic predisposition to terminal stomach cancer, so I’m feeling a little existential. Go WashU!