WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
On Saturday, March 2, a group of WashU students were left frazzled after the Bud Light Grand Parade when their friend Marty Graw, junior, disappeared into the massive crowd, allegedly to buy some cold ones for the boys.
“At first I thought he was just showing people one of his magic acts,” said Kyle Richards, Graw’s suitemate. “Marty reallyyyy wants to be a birthday party magician. He’s been working on his vanishing act for weeks, but each time he just blows out a ton of smoke from his juul and tries to sprint away before it clears. It never worked before, so I was impressed for a hot sec.”
“Yeah, it’s obscene. I kept yelling at people to ask if they had seen him, but they would just scream and cheer ‘MAARDIIII GRAAAAASSSS’ in my face,” said Frank Hamilton, Graw’s Kappa Sig brother. “Literally, of all days for the kid to go missing. Fucking typical. I’m fed up with him always disappearing on Saturdays. Doesn’t he know they’re for the boys?”
Officer Jim Michaelson of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department spent the weekend searching the streets of Soulard with his K-9 Rufus, who was trained to look for Graw’s signature scent combination of Natty Light, week-old boxers, and weed.
“I hope they find him soon,” sighed Kaitlyn Fisher, freshman and Graw’s girlfriend. “He was supposed to go on a pods run for me today. I’m completely out. Wait, I think the fucker has my juul too. God damn it!”
If you see a tall, lanky white boy absentmindedly wandering the streets of Soulard in boat shoes (despite never stepping off shore ever), douchey Ray Bans, and Vineyard Vines apparel, please call 1-800-MG-U-SUCK to help his friends bring him home.
