Mr. Clean Uses Magic Eraser to Eliminate Traces of Former Partner

Mr. Clean sighed, stooping to reach the tiles of the Williams family kitchen. “It gets grout, too,” he muttered, scrubbing vigorously between the tiles. Only minutes before, the famed product spokesman had finished disposing of the remains of his former partner, Scott Williams, following a dispute Wednesday evening.

Local authorities say the two men had reportedly engaged in an argument over the future of the Wham-O Marker, a dry-erase pen for granite remodeling, when things took a sinister turn. A coroner’s report found a fistful of detergent thrown in the victim’s eyes, whereupon Richard Clean repeatedly stabbed Mr. Williams with a prison shiv hewn from a mop handle. The advertisement celebrity used a single Magic Eraser to dispel of viscera from his colleague, needing only one sponge to purge the room of evidence.

Authorities who responded to the crime were astounded by what they found. “If it weren’t for home security footage, we would’ve sworn a false alarm,” wrote Sergeant Richard Blumenthal. “The place was spotless.”