WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Researchers at Johns Hopkins published results of a two-year study on Monday concluding that kids with fairy god parents are still “complete fucking dweebs.” The study, which highlights data collected from state-wide surveys, announced “the arbitrary reception of magical companions does not counteract defects in chill factor.” Those involved in the report considered several key factors, ranging from income to social media usage, ultimately finding that the “secret” nature of the metafictional guardians provides no advantage in social capital.
Local bullies expressed a lack of shock at the findings. “If I don’t know you can summon a dragon, or date a model, why would I stop telling you to kill yourself?” Added local jock Brett Tannenbaum. “They’re also literally hanging with fairies. As a bully you know how easy that one is?”
Although fairy god children are exposed to moral compasses previously unchecked by absentee parents, researchers fear these lessons prevent self-development. Consistent guidance against cheating and controlling the weather denies subjects the chance to discover cool shit like vaping and Pornhub. “When you don’t explore dope stuff you can’t integrate yourself,” notes child psychologist Mira Synger, taking a fat rip from her Juul.
