WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
It’s hard to avoid megastar Taylor Swift. With six full-length albums, ten Grammy awards, and millions of fans worldwide, there is no doubt that “T-Swift” is a household name. Whether you love her or hate her, you know who she is and what she does. But is there more to this pop sensation than meets the eye?
Although her earlier music videos typically portray Swift in delicate white dresses, often accompanied by an acoustic guitar and a sunlit field, her recent works have taken a much more sinister tone. For example, the music video for her comeback single “Look What You Made Me Do” is positively bursting with Satanic imagery, from snakes (the devil’s reptile) to zombies (the devil’s dead people) to men (the devil’s gender). Meanwhile, “22”, when multiplied by three, is equal to 66, which is only one six away from “666”.
It’s obvious, isn’t it? I mean, wake up, sheeple: Taylor Swift is the antichrist.
As such, Swift has the power–nay, the obligation–to bring forth the apocalypse that will end the world and cast us all into the sweet, sweet void of endless torment. And yet, what has she done? Has she brought down the rains of hellfire that will cleanse the planet of this prison that we call life? No. Instead of doing her goddamn job and sending everyone down a one-way waterslide to hell, she has wasted her time pumping out catchy pop anthems and dating way hotter men than I do.
That’s why I’m calling for a complete boycott of Taylor Swift and Taylor Swift-adjacent music and merchandise. We demand that Swift opens the seven seals, initiating the Armageddon that will eventually free us all from our mortal forms. No matter how relatable her lyrics may seem to be to our most recent heartbreaks, it’s time to stop allowing our affinity for easily memorizable choruses blind our judgement. It’s time to cease our complicity in Swift’s unrelenting refusal to end it all. It’s time to take a stand for humanity.
