Op-Ed: Donkey Kong Only Wears a Tie. You Seeing this Shit???

This is Donkey Kong.  You may know him from such titles as Super Smash Brothers, Hotel Mario, and Donkey Kong: Barrel Blast.  However, you probably do not know him as “that monkey who only wears a necktie, and nothing else.”  

Yes, you heard that right.  “DK” wears neither shoes, nor pants, nor underwear.  He does not even have the decency to wear a collared shirt with his necktie, like any self-respecting gentleman.  I have just one, simple question: you seeing this shit???

We know for a fact that other clothing exists in Donkey Kong’s universe, yet he still insists on equipping himself with only a necktie.  Even Donkey Kong’s own nephew, Diddy, has the decency to wear a shirt and a hat.

Seriously, why is nobody else talking about this?

Donkey Kong’s necktie covers absolutely none of his body surface.  It swings in the breeze, this way and that, displaying his naked monkey physique for all the world to see.  Does Donkey Kong simply refuse to wear more clothing?  Is he trying to make a political statement of some sort?  What does he wear on casual Fridays?

For the sake of truth, honesty, and justice, we must keep asking these important questions.  We must hold power accountable, even if it is scary monkey power. Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand.

AND ANOTHER THING: Where did Donkey Kong buy this necktie?  What store only sells neckties, and nothing else?

How has nobody fucking noticed this???

I will continue writing about Donkey Kong’s attire until I am old and grey, until I can no longer rise in the morning and lie down at night. Some things in this world are worth fighting for.

Donkey Kong’s brazen debauchery is just another troubling development in this hedonistic era. When did morality die? Have we no decency? Join me, comrades! Join me in the battle for all that is good and right!