WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
The Career Center recently announced that the opening of Starbucks in McKelvey Hall will also double as an internship program specifically targeted at the University’s political science majors. “Starbucks will be great for these students,” said Mark Goldstein, a spokesperson for the Career Center. “It’s a pretentious enough environment so ...
April, 2022
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1 April
Breaking News: _____ dies!
_____ ______ (obscure C-list actor) has died at _____ (unusually young age) years old due to ____________ (foodborne illness you once caught at Chipotle). He is known for his roles in _____________ (cable show that only had one season) and ______________ (overly-priced off-Broadway show), but also for his involvement with ...
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1 April
Tinder Adds “Actively Infected” Feature
Last Spring, Tinder, the most popular dating cough self-indulgent, masturbatory swiping cough platform among young adults, introduced a feature allowing users to indicate whether they had been vaccinated against COVID-19. Now, the company has pivoted and released an update allowing users to indicate whether they have an active COVID-19 infection. ...
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1 April
Andrew D Martin: An Inside View on the Man
Andrew D. Martin. The enigma. Many wonder how he handles his prestigious responsibilities. Sources close to the Chancellor have informed WUnderground that he has been suffering from insomnia since taking up his administration last year. They also sent us the following transcript of his conversation with his psychiatrist. MARTIN: You ...
January, 2022
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5 January
BREAKING: Pyramid Promotions Exposed as a Front for the Illuminati
Before this information gets redacted by the higher authorities, WUnderground must report on a breaking discovery: Pyramid Promotions is scheming with the illuminati. Yes, this vague company that students blindly throw cash at is tied with the biggest WashU conspiracy to date. No one actually knows where the money that ...