WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
In a speech given Thursday, Associate Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs Rob Wild announced a modest proposal regarding the future of housing on the South 40.
“As the administrator overseeing housing, I’ve received many complaints recently about the new policy changing all 6-person sophomore dorms to 4-person dorms. And I know some may find this decision hard to understand, especially since the student population has been consistently growing over recent years.”
“That’s why we’re proposing a new solution to our housing problem. This solution will compensate for the growing student population combined with the reduction of available housing on the South 40.”
“We believe that cooking and eating students on financial aid will help us solve these issues, and will have a number of significant additional positive effects. For example, we’ve been receiving complaints about the issue of high food prices on campus. Our proposal will solve this issue by providing a much less expensive food source to our kitchens. In addition, we will now be able to boost our acceptance of minority students and first-generation college students by accepting them to feed other students.”
At press time, Wild was reportedly considering whether people who dropped Pre-Med would be a valid supplemental edible option.
