StudLife Makes Medical Breakthrough, Publishes Actual Cancer as Written Text

Citing years of research and reportorial studies, Student Life announced a medical breakthrough late Monday: the successful synthesis of cancer cells into a series of op-eds. The op-eds, which discuss resolving polarization by feeding polarization, marked a pivotal moment in the reduction of tumor cells to written text. “It took nearly a decade in the lab isolating bias and treating the subjects, but we think we’ve finally done it: some perfectly toxic op-eds,” commented Editor in Chief Kyle Birch.

The challenge to the team, according to experts, was resolving a paradox. “Conventional theory claimed it impossible to unite scathing liberal intolerance and overwrought conservative victim complexes in the same model. We consider ourselves pioneers in the field,” wrote Cadenza writer Sarah Kennedy.

For the veteran staff, the key to lasting success was transparency. “We’re big on inclusivity here,” said copy-editor Eric Lombard, “so we committed to publish every one of our samples, discretion be damned!”

Editorial staff members wept to applause at Monday’s press release, with many expressing gratitude that countless hours fighting journalistic instinct had finally paid off.