THE MUELLER REPORT LEAKED! Here’s What We Know

The Mueller Report was finished up on Friday, March 22nd, and so far, the Justice Department has done a surprisingly good job of keeping its contents under wraps. Attorney General and stock photo of a white businessman William Barr has sent a short summary of the report to Congress, informing them that the report exonerated the president on charges of collusion but not on obstruction of justice charges. Barr’s 4-page summary raised some eyebrows, since Mueller’s report was reportedly nearly 400 pages long. Luckily for us, and for you, our dear readers, the full report has been made available to us by an anonymous former WashU student now working for the Justice Department.

Here’s what Attorney General Barr left out:

1. Melania Trump’s anti-cyberbullying campaign was started entirely to make sure her name no longer auto-corrects to “Melanoma”

2. Even more Anthony Weiner dick pics

3. 30 pages of improvements to Mueller’s Galaga high scores

4. Anthony Scaramucci’s parking pass (he was fired before he could pick it up)

5. Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump’s infamous Trump Tower meeting with Russian operatives failed because they thought they were getting literal, actual dirt that they could then dump on Hillary Clinton using a backhoe and a fake Oval Office

6. Photo evidence of the condom Mike Pence uses (he washes it afterwards, don’t worry)

7. What actually happened in Benghazi: surprise birthday party gone wrong

8. Barack Obama’s birth certificate