WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Only a month into their training, Brookie and Bear are in deep dog- shit for the questionable stop and frisk of beloved WashU icon – Socke the cat. During the search, Socke was caught with an eighth of catnip, leading to his controversial arrest. Doggy body cam footage reveals that Brookie placed the catnip on the suspect outside of Dardick. When stopped, Socke calmly spoke with the officers, “meow meow meow, meow?” to which Bear retorted, “stop resisting scumbag!
Show me your paws, now.” Socke only spent one night in the pound and was released on a technicality as the officers forgot to read him his Meowranda rights. Socke, diagnosed with PTSD following his role as covert stocking stuffer in the War on Christmas, carries a medical license. This, coupled with Missouri’s recent legalization of recreational Catnip, has PETA, AGL WashU, and Juggling Club up in arms. “These violent pups should’ve never been let on the force,” barked Quincy the Campus Dog, (and rumored former lover), “there is only room for one K9 in this kennel.”
While some groups disagree with Socke’s arrest, others are backing the blue’s clues. “I don’t see a goddamn problem,” says gun-toting feline, Ryle Kittenhouse. “He knew it was illegal, he should pay the consequences.” Ryle licked his balls, coughed up a hairball, meowed the pledge of allegiance, and then left.
The WUPD announced that Bear will spend one day on paid leave, much to the disappointment of the public. “They don’t understand,” growled Brookie in an exclusive Stud Life interview. “One human day is 7 dog days. That means he skipped dog church. This is cruel and unusual punishment, his right to bark shall not be infringed”. Brookie ran after a bunny, mutilated it, and unapologetically pissed on the seal.
