WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Ah, the California Gold Rush. A chaotic time, fondly remembered by some and fervently denied by others. There was California; there was Gold; and, of course, there was Rush. The California Gold Rush encapsulates the American Dream of finding a metric shitton of gold; while naysayers will say things like “the Gold Rush ended 166 years ago” and “what are you doing in my house?”, I’m here to tell you today that there is still plenty of opportunity awaiting you in the Golden State. Just follow these 4 easy steps and you’ll be piling up coins by the mouthful before you know it!
1. Find a good pickaxe.
Your pickaxe is your workhorse; it’s your livelihood. Your pickaxe is your wife, children, and an extension of yourself. The pickaxe is a generous lover and a cruel mistress; if well-chosen, it can provide you with more wealth than you can stick a fork in, but if you’re haphazard in your selection, you could find yourself the proverbial laughingstock of the village faster than you can say “I’m legally barred from entering any Golden Corral in the contiguous 48 states.”
2. Make sure you’re in California.
Ending up in the wrong state is a common rookie mistake among prospective prospectors. Even a seasoned vet such as myself has ended up in the wrong place from time to time, so do yourself a favor and make sure you’re not in Carolina or Cambodia before you begin your hunt for scrumptious riches.
3. Carve a niche for yourself.
The great miners of yore were well-known for their zany antics and shenanigans – who could forget Charles “Scooby” Wright, known for exclaiming “Zoinks!” every time he struck gold, or James “That’s Just Wrong” Delano, notorious for making love to the piles of gold that he found? With your own catchy nickname, memorable catchphrase, or signature trademark, you too can establish a brand for yourself!
4. Know thine enemy.
If you’re going to hunt for gold, you have to understand gold. Learn its culture; adopt its language as your own. Paint your skin gold to blend in with them and gain their trust. Mask your own scent to avoid being exposed; stealth is of the essence here. After centuries of being sought out, gold is no longer the trusting and naive resource that is used to be. Only after becoming one with the gold can you bask in its delectable glory.
