The MIT Economics Department released a study last week that they wrote for broad public consumption. Department Chair Lucas Gooch explained that his department is “trying to send a message that ordinary people can understand, because it’s little nudges like this that can change the world.” The study, titled “Hey ...
Read More »WashU to Require Security Guards for Registered Dorm Parties
Citing changes to social policy, the Office of Residential Life will require hired security for registered dorm parties, effective October 2018. Former campus policies had permitted students to host personal social events, provided their RAs didn’t give a shit. According to new policy, security aides will be responsible for checking ...
Read More »Austin Sweeney “Horrified” at Terrible Alcohol Policy He Wrote When Blackout Drunk
CLAYTON, MO – Scrolling through his texts from the previous night with a mounting sense of dread, Assistant Director of Greek Life Austin Sweeney was forced to confront the fact that he had made a terrible mistake; last night’s bender had resulted in ugly and potentially long-lasting consequences. “This new ...
Read More »Med Students Discover Rare Pathogen Amongst StudLife Staffers
In a stunning discovery, WashU medical students identified a rare pathogen on Friday known to be wreaking havoc among the Student Life publication staff. Coined “bad journalism” by sophomore Trevor Dietrich, the rare phenomenon continues to spread amongst members of the paper’s roster and shows no signs of stopping. “The ...
Read More »Leading Together Campaign Raises Historic $3.378 Billion Dollars to be Buried in Underground Vault, Never to See the Light of Day
Washington University’s Leading Together fundraising campaign concluded on June 30th, far exceeding expectations by soliciting over $3.378 billion in gifts and commitments to be promptly locked in a vault and buried far beneath the surface of the earth. In an August 30th email to the Washington University community, Chancellor Mark ...
Read More »Merrick Garland Gets Hopes Up
Call for WUnderground Summer Interns!
Attention to all Wash U students still seeking summer internships! WUnderground, Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper is in DESPERATE need of detail-negligent summer interns. Responsibilities will include writing coffee and fetching articles. This internship will be paid in the most valuable currency of all: experience (writing dick jokes). Below ...
Read More »New Study Abroad Programs Criticized as “Suspiciously Imperialist”
A recently-revealed list of new study abroad programs has faced controversy and mixed reactions from the student body. While some students have responded positively to the programs – pointing out that it adds flexibility by opening up opportunities for different majors to go to new and exciting destinations – critics ...
Read More »Freshman Thought He Was Pledging Fraternity, Accidentally Gets Initiated as PLTL Leader
When freshman Gary Lashryan accepted his bid this past January, he was ready to become a part of the drinking, partying, and often problematic behavior of a WashU Fraternity. The thing that surprised him, at first, was how much the brotherhood was into calculus. “Yeah, at first, it was weird ...
Read More »Benevolent God Takes Away Our Pool Ladder Again
Oh feebee lay litzergam. Pehpeh lou sul sul, gouhh… verna dehna! Ah, crushnah! Eckeh tahlwah moorlih aom yomwurbwleh. Como stadah kah blah na dah ahduwesteh deepwa spanewash deepla blah. Dis wompf es fredesche. Harva sol labaga along with hava so lawnumgm, hurdy furdy sarl-de-baggy. Yesh, ah fweegah fwaa. Boobasnot cuh-teek-a-loo ...
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