The Boy Scouts of America recently announced their decision to accept girls, raising concerns over the future of partner organization Girl Scouts of America. “In response to changing definitions of gender identities, we think it would be best to focus on the interests of our creative, socially lethargic young scouts,” ...

According to sources, the spirit of chief strategist Steven Bannon was forcibly expelled from the White House on Friday after staffers recited an incantation purging the West Wing of Mr. Bannon’s ghost. “There was just this horrible screeching,” remarked one advisor witness to Mr. Bannon’s expulsion. Bannon, a seventh century ...

As thousands of Americans scramble to get their hands on a pair of the coveted eclipse glasses recommended by scientists for safe viewing of the rare solar event, anti-bullying groups across the country are wringing their hands over the likely spike in wedgies, swirlies, and verbal zingers as the nation’s ...

Extended family members of Anthony Scaramucci cited a growing concern on Friday over the New York businessman’s latest obsession: claiming that spouse, Deidre Scaramucci, is in fact his political rival Reince Preibus. “You would think he’d cut the bullshit after I got him canned but no! Now he’s in my ...

According to local reports, White House staffers voiced concerns on Tuesday regarding a controversial addition to the West Wing: a secretarial intern who bears a striking resemblance to Special Council Robert Mueller. The intern, seventy-two-year old Mobert Bueller, undoubtedly shares many of the investigator’s physical traits; from his trademark crow’s ...

Descending the steps of the Capitol Building on Tuesday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions stopped abruptly in his tracks; he simply could not remember why he had visited his friends at the Senate Intelligence Committee that evening. “I know I walked in, we chatted for a while, and then we went ...

Media analysts were baffled on Tuesday afternoon when scripts provided by CNN stenographer Dana Schumacher diverged from statements made by Attorney General Jeff Sessions in his much-anticipated appearance before the Senate Intelligence Committee. As Sessions answered questions from committee members on Russian electoral interference, a transcript broadcast live on CNN ...

Arriving in style to his primetime debut, Alex Jones entered the Sunday Night with Megyn Kelly studio dressed in a dapper tin foil double-lapel and slacks. “I bought this for inauguration day,” Jones declared proudly, noting that he couldn’t attend due to cellphones at the venue. The Reynolds Wrap suit ...

Surprising many, First Year Chancellor Harry Pollack announced this past Friday that “Manifesto of the Communist Party” by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels will be the subject for the annual freshmen summer book program. “Our goal for the freshmen summer book program is to expose students to new and potentially ...

After four months of avoiding eye contact on campus and at least biweekly “you up” texts, sophomore Rachel Levin and junior Richard Weissman have reached a comfort level in their relationship that may finally allow for cordial conversation during daylight hours. The duo, who met through a mutual friend during ...