Freshman Jeremy Morrison reported recently that he was feeling “very nervous,” but foolishly because he feared he “wouldn’t fit in at college,” and not because of the ancient and maleficent being Ieriub’hxal that has haunted him since a rather unfortunate visit to Madam Beelzebub’s Antique Shop and Hotdog Shack back ...

As the semester kicks into high gear for many Washington University students, freshman Samantha Kline has an exciting new job– a fully tenured position as a professor of physics. Last Monday morning, while trying to withdraw from his introduction to Physics class, Kline pushed the wrong button and instead became ...

Noting a disturbing rise in the number of boo-boo diagnoses made by SHS this month, EST officials warned that the group may not have a large enough supply of kissies to treat the growing outbreak among students. While September is known as peak season for ouchies and oopsies as new ...

Tuesday morning, while walking backwards past the Women’s Building, volunteer tour guide Samantha Engles was overheard assuring parents of the total safety of the campus while trying to keep a straight face. “Don’t worry, the areas to the west, south, and east of campus are completely safe,” Engles barely managed ...

After the April 14th walkout in support of adjunct professors was cancelled due to an agreement between the administration and employees, social justice warrior Bryan Bergson is now searching for additional reasons to boycott class. “What happened on this campus on April 14th was an outrage,” claimed Bergson. “As student ...

With three weeks still remaining before graduation, reports from Brookings Quad indicate that the first sets of grandparents have already arrived to save front-row seats for the ceremony. Their numbers vary as many come and go from the Quad to make frequent trips to the Holmes Lounge soup bar, but ...

After hours of begging, freshman Alan Block finally got permission from his RA to keep his prefrosh as a pet, so long as he promises to feed him and walk him and love him forever and ever. “The little guy just showed up outside my door last week, and we ...

The cum trees — or “jizz trees” as they are colloquially known — of Washington University have recently come under fire for infringing on the campus’s status as a safe space. Students have argued that the trees are olfactorily offensive and help promote white masculine ideals. “I don’t like being ...

After recent accusations of various forms of exclusion, including misogyny, racism, and homophobia, one of Wash U’s social fraternities has clarified that it is not indeed homophobic. IFC has not released the name of the offending fraternity yet, but yes, it’s the one you’re thinking of. “This isn’t just one or two ...

Student Life, the campus publication recently celebrated as “a good reminder of the importance of recycling,” is gearing up to publish its annual “funny issue” in celebration of April Fools’ Day. The issue, known as Student Libel, refers to the act of intentional defamation of someone’s character, which is apparently ...