A recent investigation investigation conducted by Student Life, WashU’s premier [only] nonsatirical independent student newspaper, studied why leaves have been changing colors and suspiciously disappearing from trees, concluding campus fraternities were behind the stunt. The two-week-long investigation included thorough questioning of eye-witnesses, a comprehensive student survey, and other strategies often ...

WashU’s environmental friendliness has always been a source of pride for the administration and student body. Over the past few years the school removed every trash can from campus, forbade all students and alums from ever purchasing SUVs, and stopped selling bottled water. In recognition of these exceptional steps, the ...

In an effort to ease veterans back into the workforce, a new local eatery called “SubMarines” is exclusively hiring former soldiers who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). To smooth their transition, owner Tex “Sarge” Denver tries to find common ground between their experiences in the field of war and ...

Sniffling hopelessly over the stream of tears that drenched the remains of her taco salad, freshman Emily Weitzman finally became the last member of the Class of 2019 to abandon her hopeful image of Washington University. The soggy, lukewarm appropriation of Mexican food was the last straw, according to reports, ...

Facing criticism over reports that he’s been training his golden retriever to attack students who receive need-based financial aid, Chancellor Wrighton held a press conference this week to clarify his position on the University’s economic issues. A source within the Wrighton Administration revealed that the move was made in response ...

Last weekend’s Fall WILD saw remarkable improvements in safety, with record few students suffering crocodile attack related injuries. The numbers are 30% lower than the previous record, leading SPB president Leo Park to declare this the “safest WILD ever.”   “We’re really proud of what we accomplished this year safety-wise,” ...

Speaking to reporters on Friday morning, Writing 1 Professor Marilyn Barnhardt expressed hope that her students would not realize she is currently tripping on Phencyclidine, commonly known as PCP. A long-time fan of Kygo, who is headlining this year’s WILD, Barnhardt wanted to ensure she was in the right mindset ...

Connie Diekman of Dining Services has been quietly rolling out her plan this past week to include shards of glass in all baked goods sold on campus.   “I’ve tried everything that I could think of to get these kids to eat healthy, but not single flier I’ve put in ...

Upperclassmen, you may have noticed something a little different about this year’s batch of freshmen. No, it’s not your imagination. It has nothing to do with you looking at the young faces and seeing a less mature reflection of yourself peering out at you across the years with eyes still ...

Chowing down on a piece of Domino’s pizza that he had snuck from a free lunch spread in Bauer Hall, WashU senior Walter Bergstrom reported feeling thrilled by the sudden windfall. Bergstrom, who pays full tuition at one of the most expensive universities in the world, admitted that he probably ...