WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Pull up your Khakis, charge your Juul, and slip on that Patagonia vest, because you definitely don’t want to stand out and be yourself during this sausage fest! The ladies had a hellish four days of recruitment and now it’s your turn to partake in the honorable and essential two weeks of your college career and becoming a man: Frat. Rush. Grab that recyclable solo cup, take notes, and get ready to conform. Oh, and don’t forget that letter of recommendation from your grandfather who was a Sig Nu at SLU.
1. Interject yourself into ongoing conversations whenever possible
It’s time to overcome your crippling social anxiety and lack of self-confidence, you piece of shit. Ditch your suitemates that you told you’d rush with and blaze your own trail. Butt into conversations with your back straight and chest out. Don’t even wait for another rushee to finish their sentence. And remember, the first one to release the handshake loses.
2. Talk about blacking out
You’ve invested hundreds of dollars in a pong table, blacklights, and speakers that you can barely fit inside your modern double. Now it’s time to talk about all those times you blacked out playing beer pong and ripping shots of Svedka with freshman floormates before getting your fake denied at Olive Bar (RIP). You’ve been conditioning yourself for this all of first semester: now it’s time to stunt on ‘em.
3. Proclaim your love for Marijuana
Remember that time your parents caught you smoking pot? We remember. Make sure to tell your future bros how you promptly continued to smoke the devil’s lettuce afterwards. Be sure to name-drop your freshman dealer who’s getting you an easy $15/gram. Pretend that your first edibles experience wasn’t even that terrible. Weed is tight. Drugs are tight. Ya dig?
4. Tell them all of your lady friends got into “top sororities”
Your cousin and all of her friends got into Alpha Phi and will totally follow you wherever you go. You know how much of an asset you are. You’ll be a shoo-in for a bid.
5. Have a cop-out in case things get dicey
The way things are headed, Greek Life has maybe a few years left at Wash U. The chances of shit hitting the fan are getting higher every year. To get involved, you need the full-on confidence of someone who’s above the law. If you don’t have a lawyer daddy, it’s time to befriend someone who does!
6. Cheat sheet for each fraternity
Alpha Delt: Pretend you know how to read
AEPi: Make disparaging comments about women!
Beta: Mention your pending WGSS degree! Be in touch with your feelings!
Kappa Sig: Ride into a rush event on a longboard with a doobie in hand
SAE: Claim that you have black friends (we know you don’t)
Sig Chi: Talk about how you played JV Basketball in high school
Sig Nu: You’ve still got those khakis and that Patagonia vest on, right?
Sig Ep: They’re back?
TKE: Brush up on your Smash skills
Theta Xi: Talk about Rick and Morty. A lot.
ZBT: Talk about your one friend who dropped acid.
Phi Delt (suspended): aw, sorry, sweetie 🙁
