WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Stuck in St. Louis because your parents wouldn’t pay for a week-long getaway to Cabo? No worries! Neither would ours! Here are some of our favorite last minute spring break plans:
1. Your Dad’s Yacht
He told you that you can use it as long as you stay off pills, and as far as he’s aware, you’re holding up your end of the deal.
2. Your AEPi friend’s dad’s yacht
Wait, shit, your dad’s yacht is still out of commission since you crashed it over fall break. You could reach out to David and ask about his dad’s yacht, though – it might only be a 39-footer, but you can still try and have a good time.
3. St. Louis MetroLink
The part about this scenic trip that excites me the most is the sheer amount of choices available. Whether you take the Blue Line to Shrewsbury or the Red Line to Lambert Airport Terminal 1, the possibilities are endless and equally undesirable!
4. Walmart Maplewood Supercenter
If you’re looking for something a little closer to school, then this destination is perfect. They’ve got everything – a liquor aisle, patio furniture, and motorized shopping carts. Pull up a lawn chair and sun yourself beneath the fluorescent lighting!
5. The Arch
Naysayers may confront you with doubts such as “the Arch is more of a day trip” or “where are you going to sleep?”, but pay them no mind. This majestic icon is an ideal spot for your next spring break; whether it’s going up in one of those little elevators, coming down in one of those little elevators, or waiting in line for tickets, there’s plenty of thrilling activities to keep you entertained.
6. The Farthest Possible Point on Earth From Your Parents
You go to WashU for a reason, and that reason is that your parents will never step foot in the Show-Me State. We both know your old man is gonna be kicking it pretty close to home this holiday season, so make sure to enjoy scenic Yugoslavia, Tazmania, or the Arctic Tundra as you maintain a one-phone-call-every-two-weeks relationship with your mom.
7. Uncle Ed’s Timeshare in Wisconsin
Sure it hasn’t been renovated since 1978 and sure the neighbors look suspiciously inbred, but hey, who can complain about a week where cheese hats were invented? Ice fishing is a thing people do, I guess, at least according to Ed’s weird step son who smells like an Italian beef sub. Use this time to really get rid of the WashU grime in place of a little mud, sweat, and cheap beer!
8. A 15 Hour Layover in Chicago
Your parents promised that pesky ice storm wouldn’t get in the way of your time somewhere below the equator at a tourist resort that radiates an unsettling colonial energy. But here we are, and you’ve got plenty of time to kill. Check out the beautiful shades of grey that comprise the Chicago skyline, as well as a McDonald’s that absolutely just gave you e coli and the endless bathrooms where you can juul away this hellscape.
