WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
An undisclosed source close to the Illuminati recently admitted to trouble recruiting interns for the organization’s 2018 summer program. In fact, the source reports, qualified candidates have yet to submit applications.
The Illuminati Summer Internship Intensive promises valuable insights into the Secret World Control industry as well as opportunities to cultivate crucial skill sets ranging from Corruption to basic Microsoft Excel capabilities. The eight-week paid program also boasts catered lunch on Fridays, full health coverage and a number of networking functions.
“Our Talent Acquisition team has been troubleshooting the apparent lack of interest in hopes that we’ll draw more undergraduate students this summer,” said the source, who wishes to remain anonymous. “We know that our program isn’t perfect. Due to organizational policy we have no LinkedIn, CareerLink, website, telephone number or university representative available to applicants, and despite having the vast majority of the free world’s money at our disposal, Illuminati dictum bans us from funding any sort of publicity initiative. Also, four of the ellipticals in our in-house gym are out of order and Susan already has standing dibs on the fifth. While we admit that these factors might discourage qualified candidates, we have set out to rectify the issues and create new incentives. We intend to talk some sense into Susan, and our team has begun stocking ‘swag bags’ with a curated selection of office supplies, healthy snacks and branded goodies to welcome accepted applicants to the Illuminati team. We hope these measures will help us woo hardworking students with previous experience in the field.”
At press time, the situation had shown no improvement. Similar employers, including such prominent secret societies as the Rosicrucians and the Priory of Sion, reported similarly barren applicant pools for their summer internship initiatives. The Illuminati source was unable to comment, having vanished from social media and government records shortly after releasing the prior statement.
