Call for WUnderground Summer Interns!

Attention to all Wash U students still seeking summer internships! WUnderground, Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper is in DESPERATE need of detail-negligent summer interns. Responsibilities will include writing coffee and fetching articles. This internship will be paid in the most valuable currency of all: experience (writing dick jokes). Below are some qualifications required for applying:

• Must be fluent in Mandarin, and only Mandarin
• Must be ready and willing to sleep your way to the top
• Must have stock in Nesquick
• Rugged, down-on-their-luck bounty hunters preferred
• Must be a steadfast Libertarian
• Only accepting applicants with a 527 MCAT, a PhD in Interpretive Dance, and at least double whatever the average ACT writing score is for StudLife staff
• Keep in mind this internship will be writing-intensive—engineering students need not apply
• CANNOT be Dave
• Fucking hate that guy
• Must schedule and conduct a fight with the youngest current member (winner take all)
• Experience expected in raising a goat from infancy, forming a close personal bond, and then slaughtering it in an act of pure selflessness

We sincerely hope you are as excited about this opportunity as we are! All applications must be submitted in the form of 95 Theses nailed to the door of an Anglican Church and written in the code that Benedict Cumberbatch cracks in The Imitation Game.