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Though he assured the public that it won’t affect the quality of his work, President Obama admitted on Tuesday that it has been about five years since he last masturbated, and that he can’t wait to get out of the White House so he can “finally settle down for a nice long jerk sesh.” The 44th President, now well into his second term, cited a number of reasons for the drought in his self-pleasure.
“The Secret Service guys are the main problem,” Obama said. “After this long I probably only need about two minutes from start to finish, but I’m only allowed sixty seconds of privacy at a time or those guys start to get their panties in a twist.”
One White House staffer speculated that the situation is exacerbated by the fact that President Obama has access to a database of naked pictures of every American citizen.
“If he wants to look at Megan Fox or Jennifer Lawrence or your sister, he can do it. No problem,” said the staffer, who asked to remain anonymous. “Of course, so can everybody else in the White House. It must be torture when he walks through our offices.”
But that’s not the worst part, according to the President.
“Once I made the mistake of telling Bill [Clinton] about my little problem,” he said. “He thought the whole thing was funny, and of course he knows all the ins and outs of a president’s schedule, so every time I have five minutes free he makes prank calls on the emergency line to make sure I can’t sneak off.”
At press time, the president was subtly rubbing up against the edge of his desk and gazing longingly at a portrait of George Washington.
