WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
I think we can agree that after a long day, nothing beats the calming, relaxing taste of Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Tea®. However, over the years, I couldn’t help but notice that someone has gone underappreciated, undervalued: the Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Tea® bear. Given the chance, I would make him feel seen and heard. And I would fuck the shit out of him.
When I’m stressed out and feeling on edge, I reach for Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Tea® to help me get to bed. But when I’m finally in bed, all I can think about is getting dicked down by the pajama-wearing bear on the box. There’s just something about the beautiful blend of delicate chamomile, cool spearmint, and fresh lemongrass that makes me horny as hell.
Picture this: You’ve just gotten home from a terrible day at the office. Jeremy from HR’s emotional support parakeet Sheryl Crow pooped on your shoulder right as you were about to leave, and you had to sit through the entire train ride home with bird shit on your shoulder. When you finally reach your apartment, he’s there, waiting for you. “Hey, babe.” He lights a fire, puts some smooth jazz on, and tosses your coat into the washing machine without mentioning the bird shit. You used to think men were trash, but you realize that the Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Tea® bear would never treat you the way that Brad from Sigma Apple Pie did. That light blue nightgown and red sleep cap lights a fire in your soul. You want him. You need him.
I know what you’re thinking, why the Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Tea® bear? Why not the Charmin Ultra Soft bear? And to that I’d say, do I look like a fucking homewrecker to you? He has a wife and kids, asshole. And he sings songs about wiping his ass, no thank you. Why not a Keebler® elf? I’m totally in support of the short kings of the world, but he seems a little too full of himself. I’ve heard the dick is Uncommonly Good®, but I’m not into that experimental shit. Too kinky.
The calming essence of Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Tea® rocks me gently to sleep, and that’s exactly why I want the bear to gently rock my back walls. I’d fuck him repeatedly, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
