WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Hope Hicks, the White House’s communications director, may seem like an unlikely choice for the post-modern feminist hero. Ms. Hicks has always been cast aside as a background player in the mayhem of this presidential administration. But this week, she has clearly proven to all young girls in America that a woman CAN make a difference in the Republican party. In the triumph of all triumphs, Ms. Hicks has infected her boss, President Donald Trump, with the deadly coronavirus. In a presidential adminstration plagued with allegations of misogyny and and sexual harassment, Hope Hicks has climbed the ranks to finally achieve a much desired feminist goal; taking down the president.
Some may say that Ms. Hicks infecting the president was accidental, and could even put her job in jeopardy. But many believe she has greater motivations in mind. When the world most needed President Trump gone, Ms. Hicks boldly volunteered to take on the task. With her deep training in feminist history and methodology (which she undertook during her job as the Fox News Chief Communications Officer), Ms. Hicks knows how to use tools of social justice to feel empowered, and to create the change that she wishes to see in the world. What Greta Thunberg is for climate action, Hope Hicks is for the newest feminist moment.
While many liberal women have cheered at her decision to infect the President with the deadly coronavirus, Homeland Security is now looking into her newfound advocacy. They have pinpointed the singular WGSS class Hicks took in college to fulfill her English requirement as the source of her leftist radicalization. All classes at Southern Methodist University, her alma mater, have been suspended and federal troops have begun the process of burning all works of Jane Austen in the hopes of stopping future homegrown bra-burning terrorists from taking over the streets and the capitol.
From his hospital bed, President Trump delivered a message to the American people calling for Law and Order, and specifically called out Ms. Hicks as a possible new leader of Antifa. Yet his efforts to quell the uprising might be too little, too late, as Hicks has already taken out other key players of the Trump administration. Worst of all, Chris Christie has also fallen prey to Hicks’ feminist plot of spreading the coronavirus among dangerous men. The likely cause of his infection is from pressing his lips against Trump’s pursed anus whilst still contagious.
When asked for comment, Mr. Christie simply responded, “I’m just happy to finally be included.”
