WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Desperate times call for desperate measures. As full-time enrollment has dwindled this semester due to the rise of the COVID-19 virus, the University has encountered a large loss of revenue. In an attempt to combat this budget deficit, Chancellor Martin has turned to one of the internet’s fastest growing self-employment opportunities: OnlyFans.
For only four dollars a month, students can not only support WashU through these trying financial times, but also see exclusive, naughty footage of the chancellor himself doing such scandalous activities as pissing on the bunny, sitting in the DUC without food, or even taking a peek at the physics answers on Chegg.
“Honestly, I feel like the whole ‘I’m starting an OnlyFans’ thing is overdone,” says sophomore Jordan Neeley. “Did I subscribe? I mean of course, but I still think OnlyFans is just low-hanging fruit. Like, we get it, it’s porn, it’s funny. Whatever.”
Some students are criticizing Martin’s choice of content on the platform, feeling particularly misled by the connotations of his account, as well as OnlyFans’ reputation as a pay-for-porn site. Em Powers is one such student.
“I did not scrounge up four dollars to see Chancellor Martin sloppily use the internet, or get yelled at by DUC hospitality staff,” Powers said. “I did it to see him throw some ass.”
When asked for a comment, Chancellor Martin sent a jpeg of himself in a catgirl costume to my personal email account.
