WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
“Not only do we offer butt plugs in discreet packaging, but now you can relive that incredibly awkward experience where your dad threw a pack of condoms at you and said ‘don’t forget to wrap it up’ when you were thirteen, ” says a Habif spokesperson. Habif’s new programming called “✨the talk✨” joins their roster of pseudo-progressive activities for the spring 2021 semester. “The best part about this fun new programming activity is that it is completely paid for by the most recent tuition increase, ” says Interim Vice Daddy Rob Wild.
In response to calls from students to improve mental health resources on campus, Habif states: “✨the talk✨ serves to bring together our student body from diverse regions within the top 1%, such as the top 0.1% and the plebeians, with a common experience we all went through”. For some, this meant getting their first period at summer camp and for others being asked if they know what a condom is at Thanksgiving dinner.
This new initiative is in-line with Habif’s instagram that preaches “the solution to mental health crises is lots of masturbation” through pastel colored infographics. When pressed as to what Habif’s plans were to deal with their lack of therapy appointments Dr. Wild replied, “Anyone can jerk off for a few weeks; building stamina is a great way to improve self esteem.”
Students are actually given the opportunity to attend one of a multitude of talks offered based on their preferred experience. Do you want parents that are a little too sex positive? Do you want to be damned to hell by your youth pastor? Or do you just want to watch the magic school bus go up the fallopian tubes and call it a day? Whatever you want, ✨the talk✨ can provide the right experience for you!
Habif even included some amazing student testimonials. “At least this money didn’t go to the tulip fund” says senior physics major Kathleen Torrance, “sometimes everyone needs to be reminded that we are all damned to eternity in The Devil’s inferno.”
“This is so Orwellian, bro” says Tanner Morgan, a brother of the Kappa Sigma fraternity on campus, despite having no idea what ‘Orwellian’ means.
Whether or not Habif plans to supplement this program with a Circ ride directly to the gates of hell is yet to be determined. “We’d probably have to dip into the Study Cubby fund for that one” says Dr. Wild, “so you might just be stuck with a study chubby.” Either way, ✨the talk✨ is guaranteed to unite WashU students through a common trauma, getting a hard-on during the sex talk…Wait, just me? Fuck….Yeah I mean….uhhh forget about it, you’d probably think it’s stupid anyways.
