WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Last Spring, Tinder, the most popular dating cough self-indulgent, masturbatory swiping cough platform among young adults, introduced a feature allowing users to indicate whether they had been vaccinated against COVID-19. Now, the company has pivoted and released an update allowing users to indicate whether they have an active COVID-19 infection.
“It’s been so poggers being able to hook up while isolating,” said junior Josh Nichols. “Since the pandemic began, the CDC has instituted tons of policies and sex hasn’t been part of the thought process at all. Sure, it’s highly infectious and dangerous if you have an existing condition or are immunocompromised, but what about people whose existing condition is being hazardously horny? Whose sex lives are compromised? I’m glad Tinder made the change and I really feel seen.”
Other students spoke highly of the new feature for other reasons. “If you’re someone with a gas problem, this one’s for you,” one student said. “Using this feature, I can guarantee that 90% of the people I match with can’t smell. I can fart freely on dates, and if she hears anything, I just gaslight her. What’s she gonna do? Smell it? It’s awesome.”
The University has brought in Nursing Home consultants to advise them on how to address the newly rampant sex taking place in isolation housing. A key difference between the college and nursing home populations is that the danger of shattering a hip during missionary is quite low. However, women in college regrettably haven’t gone through menopause, so pregnancy is still a concern. In response, the consultants have advised Habif to institute a “double-bag” policy, because two rubbers is always better than one.
The move by Tinder has been approved with flying colors by the nation’s top infectious disease experts. When asked about the feature, a CDC representative said “You know what? Fucking let em. I can’t do this shit anymore,” while filling a box with belongings in his dimly lit 46 square foot back office.
Opponents of the feature argue that this is an example of big tech overlooking its users’ wellbeing. Tinder asserts that, on the contrary, this feature is aimed at improving its users’ wellbeing. “It’s all fun and games until Big Contraception shows up at your door. The real deep state is Trojan lobbyists, and as long as we keep people boning, they leave the world alone.”
Given the success of this feature, Tinder announced they will be trialing a feature for Cooties this Spring.
