Connie to Add Glass to All Campus Sweets

Connie Diekman of Dining Services has been quietly rolling out her plan this past week to include shards of glass in all baked goods sold on campus.

“I’ve tried everything that I could think of to get these kids to eat healthy, but not single flier I’ve put in BD seems to have done anything,” Diekman commented as she drank from a bottle labeled “fat children’s tears” and twirled her handlebar mustache. “Sure we were recently named the third fittest college in America, but that’s just not good enough,” Diekman complained, “Virginia Tech and Claremont McKenna are still ahead of us!” She also noted that, “now when I tell students that they are eating themselves to death, they’ll be forced to believe me.” Connie then proceeded to cackle and gently stroke her broomstick before continuing the interview.

But the decision hasn’t come without protest. “Until someone can prove to me that this glass was sustainably and responsibly blown by local artisans, I won’t be able to support putting it in our food,” said Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies major Sequoia Ravendale. “And I’ll need evidence that they were paid at least fifteen dollars an hour.”

Students also report concern about the potential gluten content of the glass, which they fear may be added to gluten free treats such as ice cream, Hershey’s chocolate bars, and — a favorite among the campus’s gluten free population — general smugness.

The decision goes into effect immediately, and any items currently left in cases will have glass shards personally added by Connie herself. This will be her first public appearance since it was revealed last semester that she has no reflection, and early reports indicate that she will be traveling via a spider web-like structure that she’s been slowly weaving around all the campus’s dining areas.