WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
On the chilly evening of September 30th, 2024 I attended a lecture in Graham Chapel about how to consensually sexually choke people. It was gratifying to be surrounded by so many unwed scholar champions passionate about bondage, discipline, sadism, and of course masochism. The energy was titillating among the students who were so eager to learn in the house of God. Attendees were first taught about the concept of consent, and how one must be “alert,” “enthusiastic,” and not like an animal or dead body or anything to give it. They then filled out a Poll Everywhere survey, which was actually just the Rice Purity Test followed by a consent form for the rest of the lecture where audience members collectively came up with a safeword they would use if they wanted to leave. The group chose the term “pornocchio.”
During the next hour, spectators were subjected to live demonstrations of six new sexual chokeholds discovered here at WashU by undergraduate researchers in the CL&T department. Accordingly, the throttles were named after the places they were first observed: The Dard*ck, The Fun Room, The Cyclotron Particle Accelerator, The Cupples II, the BD, and The StudLife Office. Each position was rated based on its level of ease, necessary stamina, strength, and whether or not attempts are recommended directly following BeastCraft consumption. All attendees were then split up into pairs for practice. Anyone in the room could tell that it was a truly stimulating lecture, and it finished pleasurably with all participants feeling satisfied. One student who wishes to remain anonymous told WUnderground, “I came for science.” Another said, “This lecture had a happier ending than in Book Club!” WUnderground reporters look forward to RSVPing for future events like this, on behalf of you of course.
