WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
A controversial Missouri ballot measure is garnering support across the aisle. This November at the ballot box, residents will be asked to vote “Yay” or “Nay” on articles 1-8. While sports gambling, police funding, and reproductive rights are shaping up to be contested battles, Amendment 7’s proposed ban on gender reveal parties is polling at an astounding 87% approval rate. Conservative pundits lead outcry against gender reveal parties, calling them “pre-birth gender surgeries.” Simultaneously, liberals have long held issues with the gatherings, such as upholding the gender binary and discriminating against people of colorblindness. In a recent speech, Jill Stein encouraged her supporters to vote yes on 7, referencing forest fires and lack of green representation. It seems only the sports gamblers are voting no, trembling at the thought of placing one less prop bet.
Meanwhile, candidate polling has revealed a contentious battle between the parties. Results indicate that the birthday party is leading, with a narrow margin over the engagement party. Key measures indicate the cocktail party is an up-and-coming threat. Proponents of the house party have declined in numbers, but those of the housewarming party have remained strong. Battleground states remain divided on the bachelorette party. Polls are giving the edge to the dinner party over the tea party, but the race remains neck and neck. Unexpectedly, the surprise party has emerged as a contender. Approval rates have soared for the after party, but the block party has remained stagnant over the past thirty years. Results are a toss-up for the pizza party. The pool party was disqualified after no one runs. The beach party is in hot water after recent allegations. Identification remains unclear with the costume party. Public can’t tell if a frat party is cool or not–while younger voters are on the train, older voters are disenchanted. In any case, the farewell party isn’t going anywhere.
