Please, Please, Please Stop!

Regardless of your side on the relevant StudLife op-ed debate, it’s clear that Sabrina Carpenter is that good at arousing feelings among college students. Last week, the WashU Department of Psychology tested just how aroused students can get: over three weeks, students in Psych 100 listened to songs from “Short n’ Sweet” while completing their everyday tasks such as homework, exercise, and reading 100,000 words of erotic omegaverse fanfiction. Levels of arousal were measured through biometric and self-report as well as behaviors such as moving it down, left, right. We interviewed researchers and participants to get a Taste of their experiences.

“From Spotify to Tiktok to Fun Fridays at the DUC, our students can’t catch a break from this five-foot femme fatale. We need to be studying what this does to a person.” explained researchers.

“I was taking the 111 exam when Espresso started playing,” an anonymous student said. “All the p-orbitals started to look so… phallic.” 

A group of professors banded together after suspecting that it was no Coincidence that half their students missed exams on the day of the Sabrina concert last week. It was later reported that WashU students were apprehended for howling and attempting to climb on stage, falling further out of Good Graces.

In response, the Catholic Student Center created The Carpenter Initiative in order to reshape these troubled young minds, streaming Girl Meets World in Graham Chapel every Monday at 6 pm while giving students the chance to take communion wafers and accept Jesus Christ into their lives.

Community members hope this research will lead students to experience “a normal amount” of arousal or at least like chill out on Sidechat a little. In any case, it’s clear Sabrina’s clever sexual innuendo and catchy melodies have left a mark on Billboard’s Hot 100 and the hallowed halls of our horny campus.