WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
After spending his freshman year at Arizona State University having sex nearly every day with stunningly beautiful co-eds, Sophomore Blake Peterson hopes that Washington University’s rigorous academic environment provides him a much-needed distraction. According to fellow ASU students, Peterson was frequently seen spending late nights at popular bars and clubs, leaving with different attractive women each time. As a newly-declared Biology major, Peterson hopes that this new environment gives him an opportunity to refocus his attention.
“I’ll never be around so many accomplished academics and driven students again in my life, so I need to take advantage of that,” explained Peterson. “The college experience isn’t about wasting my time and money on daily, emotionless sexual stimulation. I should be enlarging my mind, not my cock.”
Last year, Peterson was known for being a dedicated student during his first semester, according to his friends. In the Spring however, his attention was placed on girls wearing spaghetti-strapped tank tops and tight shorts. His classmates were growing concerned that he was spending too much time having sex and not enough time in group study sessions and office hours.
“He wasn’t having fun with the rest of us,” said Sylvester Gomes, a fellow member of his Chemistry study group. “He would text me 15 minutes before every session asking to make up an excuse for why he couldn’t make it. In reality, he would be having sex with someone new. We met on Sundays at three. He missed out on prime studying time to get pussy. What a boner.”
As for how Peterson was admitted to the extremely competitive Washington University despite not previously focusing on his academics, Vice Dean of Admissions, Carol Sharpe, believes he is a naturally bright student who got off on the wrong foot.
“I wish we could have admitted a bright and handsome student like Blake out of high school,” praised Sharpe. “His Arizona State professors surprisingly had little to say about him though. I hope nothing was wrong, maybe he had an affair with one of them. That would be scandalous! We definitely didn’t have sex either when he came in for his interview. I also definitely didn’t give him my number afterwards. And I’m positive I don’t Snapchat him before I go to bed.”
