WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
In an effort to ease veterans back into the workforce, a new local eatery called “SubMarines” is exclusively hiring former soldiers who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). To smooth their transition, owner Tex “Sarge” Denver tries to find common ground between their experiences in the field of war and challenges of the daily lunch rush. For Denver, this means hiring those veterans capable of making delicious sandwiches while also staring into the dying eyes of the unit leader they abandoned at the Kuwait extraction point.
“We’re hoping to smooth the transition by putting our employees back in a familiar setting,” said Denver.” To do that, we strive to make the work environment reminiscent of the mine-ridden, rubble-filled streets of Iraq—somewhere they’re more accustomed to. Our staff will be constantly bombarded by sounds of gunfire, Predator missiles and the screams of innocents, played over a state of the art surround-sound system.”
Denver also stressed that a job at SubMarines is just as much fun as it is work. “To provide an enjoyable, fast-paced environment for our vets, we’ve installed over 18,000 strobe lights in the restaurant. I’m confident that this will let our staff let loose every now and then, whether with a silly dance or a guttural scream of confusion and anguish!”
This sense of play is echoed in the restaurant’s menu, featuring light-hearted dishes such as the “Cumin Missile Crisis” and “Oh my God What Happened to Your Leg (of Lamb).” You can finish your meal with “Operation Dessert Storm,” a massive ice cream sundae topped with little plastic soldiers.
The unique challenge SubMarines faces is keeping its employees alert and engaged in the kitchen. In response to this concern, each appliance has been outfitted with its own 14″ airhorn to give the shell-shocked vets a gentle reminder of their next task.
The SubMarines execs similarly recognized that their staff may need occasional breaks to cope with their past. As such, the break room has been outfitted to look like an authentic Fallujah battlescape, complete with a rotting horse carcass and hidden IEDs.
Above all, the cafe wants to foster a collaborative and supportive atmosphere. On employee birthdays, the kitchen staff will surprise the vets by grabbing them and shouting in foreign languages. Denver hopes this will remind workers that they are cared for.
“We want it to feel like a family,” said Denver. “We have to stick together, because it’s like a war out there.
