WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
1. Talk Dirty
Here’s a classic move for all you filthy animals out there: don’t be afraid to get a little dirty in the bedroom. You will absolutely blow your partner’s mind if you whisper, “More than 14 billion pounds of waste are dumped into the world’s oceans every year,” right at the point of climax.
2. Try Role-Playing
Getting in character allows you and your partner to see each other in a new light; plus, it gives you the opportunity to act out your secret fantasies. Try acting as Mike Pence while he or she plays a Build-a-Bear with a hole in it, or dressing up as animals to remember that the astounding current rate of biodiversity loss is the highest in Earth’s history!
3. Spice Things Up
Looking to bring a little heat to your boudoir repertoire? Try incorporating a splash of Sriracha! You can put that stuff on anything, if you know what we mean. That said, make sure it’s organic– don’t forget that fertilizers in agricultural runoff have created a dead zone the size of New Jersey in the Gulf of Mexico.
4. Communicate With Your Partner
Explaining exactly what’s going on as it happens in real time reassures your partner that you’re present and attentive during your most intimate moments together; the more detail you can provide, the better. Moreover, using third-person narration throughout helps keep you both in the know regarding each others’ needs and gives you the opportunity to inform your partner about the rapidly increasing rate at which our rainforests are being cut down.
5. Bleach Baby, Bleach
Has using the back door lost its magic? Mix things up by getting that butthole as white as 93% of the Great Barrier Reef’s coral, which has already been bleached due to relentlessly rising ocean temperatures!
6. Do it Naked
Kinky, right? While not for the faint of heart, by ditching the clothing you can help lessen the carbon footprint of the apparel industry, which currently accounts for 25% of the world’s pesticide usage. Moreover, it makes the actual act of penetration significantly easier!
7. Do it Raw
Looking to go one step further? We guarantee you’ll understand how we ended up with 7 billion people and by some estimates exceeded Earth’s capacity to sustain the human population over a decade ago!
