WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Spring Break is right around the corner, and we at WUnderground know that many of you guys promised yourselves that over the long winter, you’d chisel out that monster body you’ve always wanted. We also know that probably hasn’t happened. But fear not! Our top cryptologists have deciphered the message hidden within the colorful (ugly as hell) mural in Sumers to bring you these 4 foolproof steps to GET BUFF with minimal (no) physical effort.
- Sun’s Out, Guns Out
This phrase is now your Bible, your Bhagavad Gita, your Quran, and also probably your PornHub username. But remember, just because it’s not sunny outside doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t don a bro-tank. According to science, the sun is always out. It doesn’t just fucking disappear. Therefore, your guns should never disappear either. And we know this pretty much goes without saying, but if you constantly wear tank tops, you have to be buff, no matter how scrawny your arms actually are.
- Protein, protein, protein!
Buy all the supplements you can! Your entire diet should consist of powder, whether it be whey, iocane, or pixy stix. Remember: If you can’t snort it, abort it.
- Change the topic of any conversation to lifting.
Now, let’s be straight with each other. We both know you haven’t lifted weights since that one time in 8th grade when your dad showed you how to do bicep curls because “your football coaches are gonna love those arms, son.” We also both know that your dad now hates you for not becoming the sports star he had envisioned when he thrust his unfulfilled athletic dreams onto you at birth. But guess what? No one needs to know any of this. Any time you enter a conversation, just make sure everyone knows how sore your arms are from just grinding out a monster sesh at the gym. And just to make sure they believe you, always carry around one of those shaker cup things filled with the protein powder you bought earlier so that everyone knows how serious your gym obsession is.
- Comebacks
If anyone ever says that you don’t look like you workout, just call them fat. They become insecure, and you gain the upper hand. Works every time.
With these four simple steps, you’ll be one step closer to becoming every girl’s one-night fantasy and many steps closer to becoming that guy dancing with his shirt off in the middle of the Alpha Delt basement that everyone hates. A total win-win.
