WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
In ANTHRO 360: “Animals, Furries, and Guillermo del Toro”, we watched a very thought-provoking YouTube video about a group of cattle ranchers in Wakawuhwoh County, Wisconsin. After an outbreak of a fairly deadly cow disease, farmers had to work hard to make sure their cowmunities rarely intermingled. In Wakawuhwoh, farmers typically allowed cow cliques to intermingle, stating that the diversity “helped cows get promising careers in medicine, big tech, and management consulting.” But, due to the disease, cows were unable to intermingle and were left to play frisbee outside and call their moms to complain about the quality of the cod in the Village fields. This was a major problem for the cows, so the farmers had to come up with a solution…and quickly.
“Behold, fellow cheeseheads!” proclaimed Farmer Zack Cine, “I have found a solution to this madness!” Farmer Zack, after a recent purchase of a Hyperice Hypervolt Plus Percussion Massage Device™, found the heavenly massaging skills of the non-phallic gun relieved not only his crippling hip pain, but also this horrifying cow disease. He believed that every farmer should purchase a gun and begin massaging away the cow disease, so that perhaps these beautiful cows would not bitch into the night.
What Farmer Zack might not have realized was that the Hyperice Hypervolt Plus Percussion Massage Device™ was extremely expensive and scarce, especially for farmers. Despite their cost, the guns were also fragile and broke after three uses. The farming cowmunity decided that these guns would be used on the oldest, best milk-producing cows, and then branded with the Hyperice™ logo as a symbol of their immunity.
While the original massager rollout went swimmingly, after a while, bureaucratic and wealthy farmers found methods to massage and brand their cows before the at-risk population. Many cows had to watch from their fields as their fellow heifers went to bovine bars, cow clubs, and went to visit their home herds without feeling crushing social guilt. “Those guys suck, and not just on their own cud,” said Penelope, cow #1. I respected her grievances, but I was mostly just shocked that a fucking cow was talking.
Non-massaged cows deserve sympathy. They did what they were told and did anything in their power to keep their cowmunity safe. Another victim of crooked 21st century cowpitalism, the bovine brethren Charlie Brown sad-walked all day and dreamed of a sweet, relaxing Hyperice™ massage down the backs of their rough, gorgeous hides.
