WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Last weekend, multi-sport athlete Air Bud was indicted on public urination and drug charges at a nightclub in downtown Miami. Witnesses claimed they saw him pounding shots of tequila, rolling multiple fatties, and carrying white pills that Air Bud promised were “just doggy treats.” After being kicked out of the club for being “too pawsy,” Air Bud was caught golden-showering a fire hydrant by police who discovered the drugs in his possession.
What led Air Bud down this path, you ask? Too often, the culprit is likely the pressures of living in the spotlight. “The attention changed Air Bud,” Air Bud’s former human and low-life grocer Josh Framm explained. “It used to be the two of us, but then he got famous and left me here in the middle of Washington,” he shook his head forlornly. “We haven’t talked in years and I’m not sure we ever will again, but I will always have a place for Air Bud in my heart. I hope he eventually finds his way back.”
The first evidence of Air Bud’s unhealthy habits can be traced back to the late 90s. After interviewing rapper J-Kwon, WUnderground discovered his commonly misquoted line “everybody in the club gettin’ tipsy” was originally written “Air Bud in the club gettin’ tipsy,” inspired by a 1999 night when J-Kwon ran into Air Bud at a NYC club during one of Air Bud’s unruly benders. “He was on some shit that night, man,” elaborated J-Kwon, “I ran into AB passed out and white-nosed in one of the VIP rooms while three blondes played with his fur.”
In the mid-2000s, Air Bud’s alcohol and drug addiction forced his retirement from sports, disappointing countless adolescent boy-dog duos. Many speculate that his dangerous behavior results from CTE which he incurred over the course of filming
his second sports documentary, “Air Bud: Golden Receiver.” To learn more about the impact CTE had on Air Bud, WUnderground reached out to Air Bud’s children, the Air Buddies, who offered a solemn and simple “Woof, woof, woof.”
Seeing another beloved icon succumb to the pressures of living in the spotlight is heartbreaking. “It may require a miracle for Air Bud to change his ways,” Air Bud’s agent, Rich Paul, laments, “but at the end of the day, Air Bud has always had some magic in him, and not just MDMA.”
