WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Andrew D. Martin. The enigma. Many wonder how he handles his prestigious responsibilities. Sources close to the Chancellor have informed WUnderground that he has been suffering from insomnia since taking up his administration last year. They also sent us the following transcript of his conversation with his psychiatrist.
MARTIN: You see, doc, I’ve been having these dreams. It started my first night as Chancellor. I dreamt I was in my office, just minding my own business, when I heard a light knock on the door. I said come in, thinking it was a student, but then suddenly my door just gets smashed down and in charges a weary-eyed George Washington. Somehow I knew he was exhausted coming right from the liberation of the United States, so I offered him a seat. But instead he just stood and shook his head. Then he said: ‘Mark, it’s time. I’ve come for my chompers.’ and he held out his hand for me to return them. I was so busy racking my mind trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about that I didn’t even tell him my name was Andrew. By some miracle stroke of luck, I finally realized he was talking about his dentures. But when I tried to tell him they were in his mouth, I could barely speak. I was paralyzed with fear; I couldn’t disappoint the very founder of our country on my first day on the job. Ultimately I managed to stammer ‘I don’t have them.’ He didn’t say anything back, but he looked at me with a dour glare, so certain that I had just lied to him that somehow even I believed that I had. Then I woke up screaming.”
Later in the transcript, Martin returns to the subject of his dreams.
MARTIN: In my next one, I was on a date with my wife in New York. We had a good time. We took a cab back to my hotel. But when I opened the door to my hotel room, and looked inside, I couldn’t believe what I saw: It was George Washington, standing upside down on his hands, in the middle of the room, vaping. He shouted ‘Woooo! Look at me! I’m young and woke! I smoke weed out of a USB stick!’ Then he began sweating profusely, until he lost his balance and collapsed to the ground. He proceeded to sprawl there tensely on the carpet, a man clearly agonized to have compromised his dignity in this way. Finally he whispered to me, ‘Now can I have my trash chompers back?’ Like before, I couldn’t speak. I wanted to shout, I wanted to scream, ‘They’re in your mouth! They’re in your mouth!’ but all I managed to say was ‘No.’ Then he just started wailing. Doc, I just gotta know what this means. For a while I lied to my wife about it. Then when I told her what my dreams were about, all she said was ‘what the fuck?’ I gotta have some closure here.
Neither Martin nor his wife responded to our request for comment.
