Anti-Bullying Groups Fear Unprecedented Spike in Wedgies, “Sick Burns” as Thousands Don Glasses to View Eclipse

As thousands of Americans scramble to get their hands on a pair of the coveted eclipse glasses recommended by scientists for safe viewing of the rare solar event, anti-bullying groups across the country are wringing their hands over the likely spike in wedgies, swirlies, and verbal zingers as the nation’s bespectacled population skyrockets for a roughly seven-minute period. Mary Flanigan, President of Mothers for a Bully-Free Missouri, observed that “While these glasses are intended to protect against burns from the sun, they may actually backfire in that they will make wearers the victims of even sicker burns, as well as wedgies, from local bullies. We cannot in good conscience recommend that anybody wear these glasses.”

Mark Davis of the national “Stand Up to Bullies” campaign echoed Flanigan’s words, adding that “Derisive taunts of ‘four eyes, four eyes,’ as well as cackling and pointing will likely be at some of the highest levels in our nation’s history.”

All requests for comment from bullies were met with bags of cat feces and poorly spelled yet deeply hurtful musings on our writers’ “stupid faces” and “rampant acne.”