WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Dear WUnderground,
Any advice on finding a boyfriend for this Christmas season?
Sarah
Hi, Sarah,
We at WUnderground know how difficult it can be for holiday-loving lonely hearts. It seems like the only Christmas lovers are Tinder users Zach, 19, promising to “put the toe in mistletoe” and Mac, 23, saying “tits the season.” If it makes you feel better, Sarah, we know Mac, and he was definitely only talking about his own creatine knockers. He’s actually a really sweet guy. Maybe you should give him a chance.
And we know you, Sarah, we know how much you deserve to be around other people who love Christmas. Like your roommate Will’s girlfriend, who, while you were listening to “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” last night, started screaming “don’t come” from his room. She must need more time to prepare for the holiday season! We all need more time to get ready, which is why WUnderground is here to help you find a man who knows the “fore” in “foreplay” isn’t the number of minutes that it’s supposed to last.
We know the struggle. It’s hard to find a guy who’s both naughty and nice, and not just knotty with lice. We’re talking about his pubic hair, Sarah, and don’t pretend not to know who we’re talking about. Speaking of hair, our advice is to try sticking to men without dandruff this year. Even for a holiday lover, the first gentle fall of snow shouldn’t have you thinking, “I should call him.”
You need a man who enjoys the flavors of the holiday season, a guy for whom “hot coco” and “nut meg” aren’t just the names he has his exes saved under. This year, the only holiday treat you really need is a man who treats you right, and we can tell you how to get him. After you sign up for WUnderAdvice premium.
Merry Christmas,
WUnderground
