WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
With midterm season now over, students have embarced “darty season,” with at least 4 Saturday-afternoon bangers being held last weekend. However, a fun weekend has turned into a sour week as controversy surrounds campus about whether Junior Danielle Horowitz attended the weekend festivities after she failed to document the event on Instagram.
“I’ve been told by countless people to prove I was there. It’s starting to really affect my emotional well-being,” Danielle told WUnderground reporters, on the verge of tears. “There is no other possible reason I can imagine that people would forget I was there. Didn’t they see me sink that cup in beer pong? Didn’t they see my cute denim-on-denim-on-denim darty outfit? Did I just dream the whole thing?”
Self-proclaimed member of the junior class’s “Sexy Six,” Jane Moreton, believes that Danielle should easily be able to show evidence in Instagram form, stating: “I don’t believe there is even the slightest chance she was there if she didn’t post a photograph, it just wouldn’t make sense. She didn’t even have a Snapchat story on Saturday!”
Indeed, many agree with Moreton, including faculty. In an interview with StudLife, Philosophy Professor Timothy Givens posited that “if a sorority girl goes to a party and doesn’t thoroughly document it on social media, was she there at all?” To this question, Givens responded a resounding “no.”
Since last weekend, Danielle has learned her lesson, making sure to document her every action. To receive pointless updates about Danielle’s boring life, be sure to follow her on Instagram and Snapchat.
