Citing Lack of Diversity, Physics Department Grants Tenure to Freshman Who Withdrew from Class

As the semester kicks into high gear for many Washington University students, freshman Samantha Kline has an exciting new job– a fully tenured position as a professor of physics. Last Monday morning, while trying to withdraw from his introduction to Physics class, Kline pushed the wrong button and instead became a fully tenured professor in the Physics department.

“I really wasn’t getting physics at all, and it wasn’t useful for my major, so I thought I’d drop it,” Samantha told a reporter from her office in Dunker 104. “Like most other agreements I sign on the internet, I didn’t read the terms of dropping the class.”

Indeed, plagued by criticism in recent years for its lack of gender diversity, the physics department this year decided to grant full tenureship to the first female who dropped the class.

“Sure it’s a weird way to do things, but we’re always trying to come up with creative solutions here,” said department chair Tom Turner. “She won’t actually be teaching any classes until next semester, which gives her more time than many of our other professors to prepare for her class!”

Despite her sudden appointment, Samantha is still determined to make the most of her college experience.

“It’s hard to find the time, but I still try to go to WUSA floor hours and hang out with my floormates,” Samantha said. “Next semester I really want to join Greeklife. I just hope my teaching schedule doesn’t get in the way of recruitment!”