WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Incoming freshman Michael Rosenblatt may not be attending Stanford University this fall, but that does not mean his grandparents aren’t still “very proud of him.” Rosenblatt is not alone, as a record 55% of this year’s incoming freshmen class was rejected by the California university.
While rejection is always a bitter pill to swallow, the grandparents of this year’s Stanford rejects still have reason to smile. Morton and Ethel Rosenblatt of Long Island admit that while they hadn’t heard of Washington University until several months ago, they have since learned more about the school and now think very highly of it.
“At first, we were a little surprised,” Morton confessed. “Michael has always been a perfect student and we couldn’t understand why somebody as smart and handsome as him would be going to school in Missouri.” Yet the Rosenblatts were soon surprised to learn that Joshua Goldstein, the gifted grandson of their friends Ari and Sarah, was in fact a recent Wash U graduate himself.
“The Goldsteins told us that Wash U is sometimes called ‘The Stanford of the Midwest’!” explained Ethel, who beamed with a re-found sense of pride. “Now I’ll have something to tell all the gals at the weekly mahjong!”
The Rosenblatts cite the university’s “strong pre-medical programs” and the “numerous organizations designed to help students connect with their Jewish identity” as some of the little-known university’s other redeeming qualities.
“It’s okay,” they began to justify, ”I’m sure he was only rejected because they had too many applicants. He’ll just go there after undergrad if the bubbulah wants. I’m sure he didn’t want to go all the way to California anyways. Now he can come home for Passover!”
When asked whether he was glad about his grandparents’ newfound respect for Wash U, Michael rolled his eyes and mumbled something about overbearing Jews before excusing himself, saying the he “really needed to smoke a fat blunt right now.”
