WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Garth Fletcher was taking dating apps by storm; he was the most-swiped man his town had ever seen. But after changing his profile, nothing was the same. WUnderground spoke with local women about the man who had once driven them crazy.
Bailey Banks, on Garth’s flagless profile: I’ve seen him before, that much I know. The sight of his Oakleys summons a memory of forgotten longing. I know I swiped right before, but my desire went unanswered. But now…I don’t remember why I felt what I felt. Something’s missing. His identity is scattered among his pictures. He’s a fisherman with cargo shorts that display his strong Provider Calves. He’s tending a charcoal grill laden with Niman Ranch all-beef hot dogs (™) that he clearly didn’t kill himself. He’s at a football game with his arms slung awkwardly across his boys’ backs. Who is the real man behind those shades?
Dixie Quicks, on her first encounter with Garth: I remember where I first saw him, grinning brightly before thirteen brilliant stars; that glorious love song in red, white, and blue. He stood proudly before its billowing profile, fat-lipped and clearly commando. That was a man I would follow to the deep end of the gooiest swamp.I would’ve sucked the goddamn mud off him.
In my mind’s eye, I saw us building a life together: frying hand-caught crayfish by the bayou, sharing an intimate spoonful of mayonnaise, and making love to the cresting symphony of a 21-gun salute.
Harley Glory, on falling in and out of love: I wanted him to hold me and smile, as if I were the fish in his profile picture. I wanted him to love me as he would a cousin or an aunt. I’d have made his South rise again. He seemed a chivalrous man, who would defend me as if I were the premise that the War of Northern Aggression was fought over States’ Rights. But alas. He has faded back into the crowd, a stranger among strangers, a face in a sea of entrepreneurs, dog lovers, and die-hard fans of The Office. Why someone would choose to castrate their identity in such a manner, I know not. If he brought me a fish today, I would turn away. If I ever see him with that flag again, though, I am his. Tinder Boy, you’ve got to secede if you want to do the deed.
