WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Describing the event as “one of the more harrowing experiences of [her] young life,” sophomore, Eliza Furman, recounted how a routine weekly call to her grandmother took a turn for the worse when her aging Bubbe refused to allow the conversation to end.
The call began as normal, with some polite chat about how the weather was in St. Louis and whether Furman had met any nice boys in her classes. According to reports, Furman first suspected something was amiss when her grandmother began to recount in detail a recent backgammon game against Barbara from downstairs.
“At some point, I started dropping hints that I had to get back to my homework,” said a visibly shaken Furman. “When she blew through those, I started to get a little bit frantic. I tried to remind her that she was going to miss the early bird special at Denny’s, because Bubbe sure loves her $8 Grand Slamwich®, but that didn’t work either.”
Furman’s desperation mounted as the call dragged on, her responses reportedly more and more pained as her grandmother recounted each act of the play she and her friend Rhoda (whose grandson is single and goes to Yale), saw last weekend.
Attempting to put a rapid end to the torture, Furman reminded her baba that Wheel of Fortune was about to start, and didn’t Pat Sajak remind her of her beloved Walter, who passed away three years ago? Attempts to convince her gammy that she had the wrongn umber also failed.
“It was too much to handle,” said Furman, tears streaming down her face. “I told her that my roommate had just set her hair on fire. I set my roommate’s hair on fire and had her scream into the phone. I looked up terrorist groups for hire to see if one was willing to fly a plane into my gammy’s Beverly Hills condo. Nothing worked.”
Finally, after an agonizing 17 minutes and 23 seconds, Furman’s loving granny put down the phone to go to the bathroom, at which time Furman made her escape.
At press time, Esther Furman was still believed she was talking to her granddaughter, who was not listening but instead pouring herself another shot of Fireball.
