WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
In response to a series of complaints from parents, college students, and reformed pedophiles, Facebook announced last Thursday that it would be rolling out a new “You’re Being Creepy as Fuck” notification system. The new feature will display a warning message to alert users when the photos they are stalking depict people under the age of eighteen.
“Everybody knows what it’s like to be stalking a cute girl on Facebook, scrolling further and further back into her photo history, and then having to abruptly remove your hand from your pants when you real- ize the chick in that bikini pic is fourteen,” explained Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “Our new feature will help prevent this occurrence by explicitly telling you when you’re being creepy as fuck.”
Sophomore Nate Campbell is one of the many Facebook users excited for the new release.
“I was going through Tiffany Stamkin’s photos after we met at a party. I had my hand lotion and trusty jizz rag ready—then all of a sudden I’m looking at a picture of her in braces! Face- book users should have the peace of mind to know that the chick they’re secretly mastur- bating to is old enough to provide legal consent.”
Users may also be glad to know that the feature is entire- ly optional. “Obviously this fea- ture can be turned off, because sometimes it’s more fun not knowing,” Zuckerberg said with a wink. “We got your back.”
Facebook also announced that it has teamed up with youporn.com to deliver a target- ed marketing campaign based on users’ unique preferences in females.
