WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
ATLANTA, GA—Scientists at the Center for Disease Control have found startling research on the Fila Disruptors, the Thot Shoe that has seen increased popularity following Hot Girl Summer. Lead scientist Dr. Whet Faartz has discovered that wearing these specific Fila shoes leads to increased levels of aggression and violence. The shoe is known for its ability to bestow superpowers upon the wearer, such as the ability to repel those in the immediate vicinity and the power to look like a fucking nurse. Assistant scientist Dr. Dick Swett, who leads the clinical aspect of the study, has seen the shoes go by many names, including: Fila Decepticons and Big White WalkyBois. But at press time, Dr. Swett confirmed that the proper nomenclature for the shoe, the Thot Stomper, is the accepted terminology among those conducting the study and in the scientific community.
A subject of the study, Ana L., described her reasoning behind her cooperation. “I really don’t like the person I am today. I’ve started saying tsktsktsk, I spend 14 hours a day on VSCO, and my Hydroflask has so many stickers that it looks like a laptop case.” Faartz believes that by better understanding people like Ana L., society can learn to re-assimilate these people through rehabilitative programs, over-the-counter medication, daily diaries, and, of course, confirmation that the subjects no longer possess their cursed, cursed shoes.
When asked how the public can help those affected, Drs. Faartz and Swett both agreed that staying vigilant at all times was crucial. “You never really know what’s going on inside the mind of a Fila hoe,” said Faartz. “We wish we could snap our fingers and turn back time before the Thot Stompers were released, but we can only strive to change the present.”
Fila Thot Stomper culture is a dark stain on the world. Susceptible individuals include: fans of Rex Orange County, E-girls/boys (the weird ones), sorority girls who wear music festival glitter to frat parties, wearers of platform Tevas, people unironically wearing Kim Possible-esque pants, viewers of the HBO show Euphoria, and those who have a general lack of fashion sense. The researchers hope their study will fix the lives of these lost children and possibly warn future youth about our generation’s wrongdoing. Through the power of science, society just might be able to return to normalcy.
Fila headquarters have declined to comment.
