WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
The First Year Center has just released its yearly report on the first years’ transition into the WashU community and has found that the class of 2025 is deeply confused by how often circumcision is discussed on campus. Unable to tour before applying last year, the new cohort of bears claim that they were not made aware of the sheer amount of space circumcision takes up in the collective consciousness of the student body during their virtual info sessions. After the Danforth Dispatch, a highly reputable student newspaper, released its explosive exposé on the untold oppression of men, WashU’s student body has committed itself to getting educated and becoming allies to its un-hooded male peers.
Students are reporting that whether or not one has a trimmed member has played a role in the developing social hierarchy of their grade. Others are still adjusting to describing their Richards along with their names and pronouns at the start of class and club meetings. “When I introduced myself during icebreakers on the first day of Bear Beginnings I had to say my name, pronouns, and whether I’m circumcised, and I just wasn’t anticipating that to play such an integral role in my college experience,” said Jacob Meyers, a first-year originally from a suburb 15 minutes from Chicago.
Other students say that missing some key hints early on during registration may have contributed to the shocking surprise. “WashU could have been a bit more descriptive about campus life than ‘R1 research university’ and ’10:1 classroom ratio’ in their promotional flyers, but I guess I should’ve figured it out when I had to upload my mohel’s information to my StarRez Housing portal during dorm applications,” said Justin Becker, a first-year from Washington D.C.
WUnderground spoke with current upperclassmen Dick von Head about the campus climate. “I was supposed to live with this guy… I don’t want to say his name out of privacy concerns now that he writes for the Danforth Dispatch….but he was forcibly placed in traditional housing,” Dick explained. “It ended up being really good for him since he said he needed ‘healthy coping strategies like going for a walk when it becomes too much.’”
